Jesus and Grandma Laugh

I've been having a hard time these last couple of weeks putting all the tumults of my emotions in words, but I have felt a tugging on my heart to say something about the loss of my Grandma. And I keep coming back to two very different, yet similar places--tears and laughter. One of the best, most lovable things about Grandma was her laugh. People say Julia Roberts has a contagious laugh, but I will tell you, and I may be biased, but she has nothing on my Grandma. When Grandma would laugh, it wasn't uncontrollable, side-splitting giggles. It was a deep and warm laugh that invited you in. It wasn't as if she had some secret joke you didn't know about. It was that she was so happy about something she just couldn't stop reliving the joy of the moment. So, she would laugh and laugh, and when you thought she was finished, she'd keep on laughing. Sounds crazy, but if you could inherit laughs, I wish I had Grandma's. It made you want to be a part of the love she had in her heart, and it made me want to spend more and more time with her. It reminds me of this art piece that I love--the one showing Jesus laughing. Though I'm not sure this is exactly what Jesus would have looked like, the features don't matter so much. It's the laugh that draws me in. I don't know why we sometimes talk and think about Jesus as if he's some lifeless, serious bore. I think Jesus was one who delighted in life and in love and invited you to share in it. Seeing this depiction of Jesus laughing makes me want to spend more time with him. May God bless us all with people in our lives who cause us to smile, who laugh with us, who share joy with us. May God bring his own joy and laughter into your heart.

Enough in '09

First, forgive me for my blog-absence the last few weeks. This time, it was intentional. I needed rest and respite, and that involved giving my mind a rest, too. Second, I'll share with you something I learned over my resting period. I learned that I don't know how to rest and I don't know how to be present--and these two are related to each other and to my trust in God.

I was on day 3 of vacation. The season of Advent had ended. The craziness of the family get-togethers for Christmas had passed. I was away from work. I was away from the rest of the world. But still, I found myself saying, "I am worried about this, and I am concerned about that. And what happens if this happens? And what happens if that happens?" My husband pointed out that we were on vacation and politely asked if I could put these thoughts away until we returned home. I didn't mention them aloud again, but there they were in the recesses of my mind, nevertheless. I don't know how to rest because no matter what state of calmness and serenity, I am always looking to the "and then." I just have to----whatever it is---and then, I can relax. I just have to get the house cleaned, and then...I just have to lose ten pounds, and then...I just have to be satisfied with my life, and then...Doing this makes me unable to rest and also unable to live in the present. I am always looking beyond now to some other time in which all my worries will be gone, all my fears over, all my problems fixed.

I'm not one to make resolutions, or even to stick very well to new routines. I'm a big fan of my old habits. I love my old habits, especially the bad ones. They are the ones I want to keep. The good ones, take those. Anyone need some good habits? You can have mine. But in '09, I am hoping to make a substitution--to change out something for something better. I am hoping to purge the words "I just...and then..." and replace these with "enough." Enough. I have enough. I do enough. I am enough. Christ is more than enough for 2009 and for all of life. Happy New Year!

Mary, Were You Ready?

My husband is famous for asking me brain busting questions about God and faith like a recent one: "When God created the universe, do you think he really only created life on Earth? Wouldn't he have created in other places, too? And if he did, would Jesus have come to those planets, too?" This question was one of those complex, no-real-answer-to-it questions. The other day, though, he asked me what seemed to be a relatively simple yes-or-no question: "Are you ready for Christmas?" "Yes," I said. "I am excited to see Molly's first Christmas and looking forward to spending time with family." And without saying it directly, he basically told me I had answered the wrong question. I was answering the question, "What part of the events of the 25th of December 2008 are you most anticipating?" But the question he asked was, "Are you ready for Christmas?" He then went on to explain what he was really asking, "You know, you have always wanted to proclaim the Christmas word, and now you get to do that. Now, you get to bring the hopeful word to the people, and aren't you just a little excited about that? " And so, I remind myself that it's Christmas that I am ready for, it's Christ that has me anticipating, the entrance of God into the world that makes my heart race. So I turn my eyes back more than 2 millennium, and I wonder, Mary were you ready? Were you prepared for the way that this ordinary labor and delivery would become something so much more and would profoundly change your life? Were you ready to be Mother of God? Were you ready for Christmas to come? May the joyful expectation of the Christ child and his love be yours this Christmas.

Love Actually is All Around

Last Sunday, the Ladies Bible Study group decided to go Christmas caroling at Walmart....and they weren't just caroling to spread cheer. They decided that they would sing about Christ and also work for Christ by collecting money and gifts for those in need. They had a sign and a box and a bucket...and Santa hats! Anyone who knows me knows I shouldn't be allowed within ten feet of a Christmas caroling group, especially if there is money involved. But, I showed up, and donned my Santa hat, and started singing. It was incredible! People came out with bags of food to donate and dropped money into the bucket. What was especially touching was seeing the ones who seemed to have the least give the most. Later, I learned, somewhere in the bottom of the bucket was a crumpled $100 bill. But it wasn't about the money. It was about the babe in the manger. You know, the one we say it's about...the one all the songs are about. As we stood there singing "Joy to the World" and proclaiming that the Lord is King, it seemed so counter-cultural and so God-like. Let earth receive her king. Let every heart prepare him room. And there they were, those hearts preparing room. Pushing aside their wants and desires and saying, "Because of him, because he lives here, I am going to reach out to someone else." My heart was so full of true Christmas joy, my eyes started watering...darned cold wind can do that. Nah, it was the other waterworks thing....Jesus can do that! His love actually is all around. If you look for it, you'll find it. May you find it this Christmas!

Angels from the realms of glory

CAUTION FOR READING...contains mature subject matter.
'Tis the season...for the Victoria's Secret fashion show. The lingerie-clad models winging their flights oer the television screen. They are dressed in festive holiday "apparel," or so I hear. Come and worship us, they beckon with their feathered wings. Your woman can look like me, too. Get her this outfit, these wings, and then worship her. I have to say, is this what Christmas has become? Is this what people look forward to? Are these the angels we want to put on high? What happened to those other angels from the realms of glory, telling the story of the Messiah's birth? And why have these ideas of womanhood become objects of worship? What about the cry of the heavenly host to come and worship Christ?
A favorite Christian author and literary hero to me is Lauren Winner. Lauren writes a great book that exposes our way of thinking about our bodies and our intimate relationships, Real Sex. In this book, she discusses the Victoria's Secret phenomenon and brings to light a telling truth about our cultural obsession with sex...she reminds us that sexual images bury themselves in our minds and in our relationships and eventually chip away at good intimacy. She says that these images teach us that real bodies aren't good enough, and that "real sex" happens only in a fantastic, other-worldly way. God, who cares enough about the people he has created, chooses to inhabit our bodies in the birth of the Christ child. And so, I'm certain, our bodies and how we approach them matter to God. I doubt these angels are what he had in mind. So, each time I am bombarded with the fluffy-winged images, I am going to remember those other angels who proclaimed a redeemed flesh--that God in our skin is here! And that he bids us choose respect and love over gratification and desire. In excelsis deo!

A Thanks-full Life

A day past thanksgiving, and I still give thanks. Probably mostly because I had another "Thanksgiving" feast today, and I spent more time with family. I guess my mind's still on Thanksgiving, but is it just a holiday? Is it something that I do in late November because that's the time set aside to do it? I'll admit something about myself that is clearly not my finest feature--I am a glass-half-empty person. I am a worrier. More often than I would like, I agonize over the stressful, hard, sad, hurtful, negative things in my life--thinking about the ways life is not a thanks-full event. But I want desperately to be a person that lives in a spirit of thanking God continuously for the beauty, wonder, goodness, love, and joy that is a part of my life. So, somehow, I must get from here to there, and I know it's not just a matter of will. I can't just say I am going to give thanks again and again and expect that to actually do the trick. The pesky thing about doing this is that it will take some work on my part--a constant reminder to myself to give thanks, and continuously refocusing my gaze so that it points in the direction of hope and joy. But along the way, I think I'll be thankful for the process, too, because it will make me a better person.

I am my own pet peeve.

Today is an anniversary...it marks a month since my last blog. And it is a milestone, too--a first for me. I have become that which I loathe. I am now my own pet peeve. The thing that bothers me to the point of twitching I have now done. I have a blog, and I have not updated it in a month. A MONTH. 31 days of no words. I can only imagine what devoted readers (all 3 of you!) are thinking about this lack of posts from me. On the other hand, maybe you have enjoyed the break.
Either way, it's time to get back to the blogosphere...but not because it is expected, but because it feeds my soul. It is the thing I need to connect in a real way with God. It is my jolt in faith. It keeps me awake in my spiritual life. So, why no posts? I've had this period of blogging-block. And I've decided it must come from thinking about God too much. Just like authors who can't finish a chapter because they are over-thinking the task, sometimes I find myself too much in my head when it comes to God. "Gotta think about God now. Gotta think about God now. What am I thinking about God now? Not sure what I am thinking, other than I am thinking about thinking about God. Now, what am I thinking? God, yeah, um......"
Sometimes I get God stuck in my head, and I can't get him out. I think and think and think on God, and then, when it comes to living with him, I have trouble doing it. I've learned lately that it's not the thinking that matters most (although it does matter some), but it's the being with God that matters...the opening of our lives to God...letting God bust in wherever he wants, wherever we don't want...making space for God being with us instead of God being in the jumbled mess that is sometimes my mind....letting God out of the box...allowing God to be God.
I heard this great song last week that reminded me about being God's child instead of God's editor:

STILL, YOU'RE STILL MY CHILD, BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD

WAIT, WAIT ON MY WORD TO ANSWER QUESTIONS THAT YOU FIND SO HARD

AND REST, REST FOR A WHILE UNTIL MY SPIRIT MAKES YOU NEW

STILL, BE STILL MY CHILD, AND KNOW THAT I'LL BE GOD FOR YOU." Ed Kilbourne, "Why I'm Not Famous" Album

What a great reminder to let God be God for us and with us as I turn my heart toward Advent. Blogs are coming, but only because Jesus is coming!