Tuesday, January 13, 2009
First, forgive me for my blog-absence the last few weeks. This time, it was intentional. I needed rest and respite, and that involved giving my mind a rest, too. Second, I'll share with you something I learned over my resting period. I learned that I don't know how to rest and I don't know how to be present--and these two are related to each other and to my trust in God.
I was on day 3 of vacation. The season of Advent had ended. The craziness of the family get-togethers for Christmas had passed. I was away from work. I was away from the rest of the world. But still, I found myself saying, "I am worried about this, and I am concerned about that. And what happens if this happens? And what happens if that happens?" My husband pointed out that we were on vacation and politely asked if I could put these thoughts away until we returned home. I didn't mention them aloud again, but there they were in the recesses of my mind, nevertheless. I don't know how to rest because no matter what state of calmness and serenity, I am always looking to the "and then." I just have to----whatever it is---and then, I can relax. I just have to get the house cleaned, and then...I just have to lose ten pounds, and then...I just have to be satisfied with my life, and then...Doing this makes me unable to rest and also unable to live in the present. I am always looking beyond now to some other time in which all my worries will be gone, all my fears over, all my problems fixed.
I'm not one to make resolutions, or even to stick very well to new routines. I'm a big fan of my old habits. I love my old habits, especially the bad ones. They are the ones I want to keep. The good ones, take those. Anyone need some good habits? You can have mine. But in '09, I am hoping to make a substitution--to change out something for something better. I am hoping to purge the words "I just...and then..." and replace these with "enough." Enough. I have enough. I do enough. I am enough. Christ is more than enough for 2009 and for all of life. Happy New Year!